"My fellow Americans: As many of you know, the North Korean government reported that archaeologists had discovered a unicorn lair last month in its capital, Pyongyang. I'm sure you'd agree that this secretive communist state, with its recent development of nuclear weapons, is a government whose announcements are to be taken seriously:
None of us want our last vision on this planet to be hordes of North Korean soldiers invading our country riding wave after wave of unicorns, hurling nuclear weapons in our direction and vaporizing us.
Yes, my friends, we have a Unicorn Gap.
Despite all of our technological and scientific expertise, not one scientist or archaeologist in the USA has discovered a single unicorn. That's scary. We should all be a little worried, and as your President, I'm asking Congress to authorize Unicorn hunts and expeditions all over this country.
There are those in Congress complaining that we have a Rainbow Gap with Ireland. Well, we acknowledge this. Not only have we not found one pot of gold at the end of a rainbow in the US, no one is researching the problem. No one is out trying to capture a single leprechaun, but we're spending billions trying to talk to aliens on the space phone with that SETI deal. I thought we didn't want aliens, and that's why Congress is talking about fencing out Mexico, so why are we trying to talk to them? But I digress. At least the Irish aren't threatening us with nuclear weapons and unicorns.
However, we plan to set aside funding for leprechaun research right here in the US.
Thank goodness, the Chinese leadership is spending its free cash on ground rhinoceros horn powder, so they're a little distracted.
My fellow Americans, I'll tell you what may be the only thing preventing them from saddling up those unicorns and coming after us: guitars. Because nothing scares a unicorn like a guitar, and especially a guitar with a pointy headstock. It will be the policy of this government to put more guitars into the hands of our soldiers and people. We are building guitars here, and our allies in South Korea have been building them for a good reason.
All along the West Coast of the United States, our well-trained guitar player-soldiers are standing at the ready, waiting by the sea for the North Korean fleet to start loading the landing craft with unicorn mounted troops, because they know that a few bars of "Pipeline" or "Surf City" will turn those guys right around. Especially if played with fuzz. I ask you to stand by them.
And I will stand my ground here in Washington with my trusty PRS, as part of the guitar army in reserve, waiting. Watching. Keeping an eye out for unicorns, rainbows, leprechauns and aliens. Keeping my thoughts pure, and my HXDA on standby, and...bzzzzt....crackle....buzzzzt..." (transmission suddenly ends).