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Thread: The Amp, the Guitar and the Studio

  1. #81
    A♥ hoards guitars ♥A rugerpc's Avatar
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    Doc Bill cursed a friendly curse on Scott Page as he dug. Almost 20 holes and he still did not have his quarry. He looked across the field. It looks like it had been carpet-bombed, save for the treasure on the side of each hole. Ruger had managed to find his gold reserves, baseball cards, stamp collection, beer can collection, diamonds, stash of real CocaCola from before the formula change and the use of high fructose corn syrup, a collection of first editions, vintage vinyl, a Ferrari 308 GTS (Red of course), a time capsule with original da Vinci manuscripts, a mastodon tusk, a Solothurn S-18/1000 with thousands of rounds of HEI, several other weapons caches and various pieces of old moonshine stills.

    "I'm redrawing my map before I bury all this sh*t again," thought Ruger. His shovel hit another clunk in the ground. Carefully, Ruger pulled out the heavy chest and checking its seal, saw that it had been just as unmolested as all of his other treasures.
    Last edited by rugerpc; 02-26-2013 at 09:49 AM.
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  2. #82
    A♥ hoards guitars ♥A rugerpc's Avatar
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    Sky Fall was in the office of M. Her husband David Gilmour was agent agent 009, but she was agent 007½, which happened to be both her dress size and her shoe size.

    "Your husband is on his way to the Colonies," said M.

    "I know. I'm off to the Isle of Man to see agent 0011 and 006½," said Fall.

    "Good. Before you go, see Q. He has some new things from P. Oh, and agent 006½ is downstairs with Q."

    Sky went to the basement in the Tower of London. She chuckled to herself as she thought of the secret location of Mi6. Everyone thought it was gotten to by a secret door in the back of a taylor's haberdashery just off of Lancaster Gate with tunnels under Kensing Gardens, but no, it was right under everyone's noses in one of the most famous sights in London.

    In the basement laboratory, Q looked disheveled and put out, so everything was normal with him.

    "Look, Sky. Don't be batting your eyes at me, I'm not giving you another Porsche Cayman, not after what happened to the last one."

    "How was I supposed to know that it could only go 98 in reverse? If you had stepped up the gearing a bit more, that Lambo would never have caught me."

    Smiling, Sky Fall noticed agent 006½, Autumn Sky was testing out a killer shade of lipstick.

    "Hello Autumn."

    "Hello Fall."

    "Sky."

    "Sky."

    Q just rolled his eyes. Every time these two met it was the same opening banter.
    Last edited by rugerpc; 02-26-2013 at 07:24 PM.
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  3. #83
    Senior Member frankb56's Avatar
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    LMAOOL!
    Frank Bello
    PRS CUSTOM 24
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  4. #84
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    Meanwhile, the "metrosexual" ray was beginning to wear off.

    Sergio and Rango found themselves in the spa, with cucumbers on their eyes, and a hot towel draped around their bottom. They still had a trace of mascara and the faintest hint of "Hai Karate!" which Sergio had stolen from El Cheffman about 30 years ago....but that was another story.

    "What was that all about"? said Sergio.

    "Not sure, but your toenails are gorgeous" replied Rango.

    Then, with the ray having finally worn off...they were off to Colorado to chase down the elusive Hatori Hanzo.

    Meanwhile, Bennett had just gotten back from Costco with Ginger.

    "I'll be down in the basement for awhile" he muttered, as he went down the stairs.

    "Playing with yourself again?" she replied sarcastically.

    But Bennett didn't reply....he was already in an altered state, mesmerized by his latest invention. Sergio and Rango were not to be his only targets today! He gleefully rubbed his hands together, giggling to himself as he recalled his last meeting with his pal, Buck Dharma. Buck had recently fallen on hard times, selling his endorsement guitars at below market prices. However, it was only minutes before Buck answered the phone, responding to the fake caller ID letting him know that his best friend was calling.

    "Eric...how the hell are you!" "Haven't seen you since they erased all my tracks for "Imaginos" and recorded over it. You owe me money!"

    "No....it's Bennett, Buck"

    "Who"

    "Bennett"

    "Weren't you the guy who paid me $10 bucks to sign your Steinberger last year?"

    "Never mind that...I have a mission for you". Have you ever heard of "Hattori Hansomatic?"

    "Of course...he's a legend. Why?"

    Bennett revealed his plan. He added...."I'll give you $10 bucks to do it."

    Buck agreed immediately. He would never let on...but these days...for $10 bucks...he'd give away all his bootleg copies of" Secret Treaties"

    And with that, the scene changed.
    Last edited by docbennett; 02-26-2013 at 02:30 PM.

  5. #85
    Senior Member frankb56's Avatar
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    I'd like to introduce the Character Zephirus to this epic classic.

    WHAN that Aprille with his shoures soote 1
    The droghte 2 of Marche hath perced to the roote,
    And bathed every veyne in swich 3 licour,
    Of which vertu engendred is the flour;
    Whan Zephirus eek with his swete breeth 5
    Inspired hath in every holt 4 and heeth
    The tendre croppes, 5 and the yonge sonne
    Hath in the Ram his halfe cours y-ronne, 6
    And smale fowles maken melodye,
    That slepen al the night with open ye, 10
    (So priketh hem nature in hir corages: 7
    Than longen folk to goon on pilgrimages,
    And palmers for to seken straunge strondes, 8
    To ferne halwes, 9 couthe 10 in sondry londes;
    And specially, from every shires ende 15
    Of Engelond, to Caunterbury they wende,
    The holy blisful martir for to seke,
    That hem hath holpen, whan that they were seke. 11
    Frank Bello
    PRS CUSTOM 24
    http://frankbello56.blogspot.com/



  6. #86
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    Quote Originally Posted by frankb56 View Post
    WHAN that Aprille with his shoures soote 1
    The droghte 2 of Marche hath perced to the roote,
    And bathed every veyne in swich 3 licour,
    Of which vertu engendred is the flour;
    Whan Zephirus eek with his swete breeth 5
    Inspired hath in every holt 4 and heeth
    The tendre croppes, 5 and the yonge sonne
    Hath in the Ram his halfe cours y-ronne, 6
    And smale fowles maken melodye,
    That slepen al the night with open ye, 10
    (So priketh hem nature in hir corages: 7
    Than longen folk to goon on pilgrimages,
    And palmers for to seken straunge strondes, 8
    To ferne halwes, 9 couthe 10 in sondry londes;
    And specially, from every shires ende 15
    Of Engelond, to Caunterbury they wende,
    The holy blisful martir for to seke,
    That hem hath holpen, whan that they were seke. 11

    "What the hell was that?" exclaimed Sergio

    "Nothing" replied Rango. "I was just trying to read some James Joyce "Finnagins Wake" out loud to pass the time.

    "It didn't make any sense".

    "It never does".

    "I thought for a moment you were quoting Burroughs, from Naked Lunch"

    "Nah....that stuff is boring. Joyce...now that's the stuff of legends...I mean, who else ever wrote a novel that was sheer gibberish, and found that the critics raved over it?"

    "Well...this thread comes to mind. Ahh, forget it....Speaking of legends...we need to catch up with Hansomatic!"

    And with that the scene changed again.
    Last edited by docbennett; 02-26-2013 at 02:53 PM.

  7. #87
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    Buck was excited. He had a purpose for the first time in 15 years. The last 2 BOC albums had sold only 18 copies, so he was desperate to make a few dollars. Bennett's offer of $10 bucks and expenses to Colorado was too good to be true.

    Waiting at the airport, he picked up the NJ Star Ledger and turned to the sports section...the NY Mets had broken spring training, and Collin Cowgill was on the first page of the sports section, following his double, and slide into home plate in yesterday's exhibition game. He had been the hero of a losing team that was destined to finish in 4th place for the 5th year in a row.

    Buck continued to read the article by sports columnist and Mets beat reporter Jorge Castillo.




    He continued to read....

    David Wright was quoted as saying "We need more Cowgill", riffing on an old Saturday Night Live routine. Within hours, it had become a social network trend. By the evening #MoreCowgill was continuing to gather steam.

    Buck had a moment of clarity. He realized that more people were familiar with Blue Oyster Cult from Christopher Walken's routine than from their hey day in the '70's and '80's.

    "Sure" he said to himself..."nothing about "Burnin' for you" or "Astronomy" ...just that dumb routine that corrupted my only top 10 hit".

    Becoming increasingly agitated, he called Bennett from the airport.

    "Hey...Bernard....did you hear about that "cowgill story?"

    "It's Bennett....and do you mean that thing about "we need more Cowbell?"

    "No...this is different....this is...."

    Bennett interrupted. Buck had given him the germ of a sick joke.

    "Hey Buck...what's the opposite of "Christopher Reed"? He asked.

    "I don't know".

    "It's Christopher WALKIN' of course!"

    That was the final straw. Despondent, agitated, and with the voice of Christopher Walkin ringing in his ears, he ran into the nearest bathroom he shot himself in the head with the 22 he always carried around for protection.

    It had been too much for one day. Bennett's plans would have to take a tangential turn at this point.

  8. #88
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    Meanwhile, several thousand miles away, Ell Chefman was flying from an unpronounceable city in Eastern Europe to an undisclosed location somewhere in North America. The various factions were all coming together.

    The stewardess served him his angelfish sandwich, which he had specifically requested when booking the flight.

    He took a bite, washing it down with some Peach Snapple.

    "By the sword of Odin!" he swore...only he said it in Yiddish, so it sounded quite different.

    "This angel fish is "Trafe"...it's un-kosher!!" He screamed at the stewardess. He began taking to become increasingly agitated, and a foul stench began to emanate from his backside. At this point, it became quite obvious that this extremely elderly man was wearing undergarments of unusual bulk. And they were steaming.

    "Ach, this is disgusting...I need to wash my mouth out with bleach" he continued to scream.

    It took three stewardessess and a male flight attendant over 10 minutes to restrain him, with the help of the entire 3rd row of the speeding jet.

    As the flight continued onward, Ell Chefman was speaking in tongues...incomprehensible to almost everyone. Except for those three individuals who were aware of his mission...or otherwise needed his services.

    Chefman was restrained, but he didn't care. he knew the flight would be arriving soon...and when the plane landed, his contacts would ensure that he was released and that he had a kosher gefilite fish sandwich waiting for him.

  9. #89
    Senior Member captdg's Avatar
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    Doc..Maybe a copy of Finnegans wake taken by insufflation or in my case, "Parenternaly" will reveal Joyce's true message.

  10. #90
    Bennett woke up from falling asleep sitting up in his chair, his shirt covered with drool.

    All that about Chefman and the airplane ride had been a dream.

    "Darn it," said Bennett. I can no longer distinguish reality from fantasy!"

    "You got that right," yelled Ginger, his more than patient wife. "Maybe when you REALLY wake up you'll get rid of all these freaking guitars because all you need is one of them, since you can't tell the difference between them!"

  11. #91
    Lena was feeling somewhat frisky, perhaps because she hadn't had sex in more than 70 years, ever since her husband had been killed in WWII while serving in the Romanian army as a general on the Eastern Front.

    He'd been an ardent member of the Fascist Iron Guard, and an admirer of Hitler, and had been made a general for purely political reasons. He had no military background whatsoever. In fact, he had operated a bowling alley in Bucharest. As far as he was concerned, the Russian military was an agglomeration of bowling pins, and would be crushed by the Axis alliance. He was a popinjay in an overdone custom uniform, dripping medals he'd simply invented and had made. His men hated him.

    Fortunately for the Russians he faced, he had been made a commander of artillery, and had no idea that he should try to camouflage or hide his guns in a forest. He'd never thought about being bombed. So a formation of Ilyushin Il-4 medium bombers destroyed his formation on the first day, killing him, and freeing Lena from a marriage that she'd grown to hate.

    She was not alone; most of the Romanian generals who were involved with the Nazis were executed after the war as traitors. He'd have been killed along with Ion Antonescu had he survived the war.

    "When was the last time you had a woman," asked Lena as she and Chefman were walking along the Praspekt Nezalezhnasci, the main drag in Minsk.

    "You don't want to know," he answered.

    "Well of course I do, that's why I asked," she replied. By now she had encircled his arm with hers.

    "I don't remember," he said, absently. Actually, he did remember. But he didn't want to explain to Lena why he'd taken such a strong interest in threesomes with former ballet instructors who also had been olympic-gymnasts a few years before. Because he didn't know why. All he knew was that he had to have them. Nor could he explain the liaison with Shari Lewis and her hand puppet Lamb Chop that had consumed much of his passion in the late 1950s.

    Shari had been cute, and he liked her, but he was crazy about the puppet.

    "Do you know any ventriloquists who are also puppeteers?" he asked, hopefully, as they walked to the post office.
    Last edited by LSchefman; 02-26-2013 at 06:23 PM.

  12. #92
    A♥ hoards guitars ♥A rugerpc's Avatar
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    Turbulence awoke Frank Bello just before landing at Denver International Airport. The name 'Zephirus' lingered in his consciousness. "That's the last time I eat airline sushi after reading The Canterberry Tales in the departure lounge," he thought to himself.

    His text from Sergio instructed him to go to gate B7 and wait. Bello, Sergio and Rango would travel to Mantic's smithery together once the latter two arrived.

    Bello was hoping for a solo spot in the back seat so as not to have to compare pedicures with Rango. Franks own stylish French nails whew chipping badly and he no longer wore sandles on stage with The Hendrixonators.
    Last edited by rugerpc; 02-26-2013 at 07:18 PM.
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  13. #93
    Name Manglin' Putz alantig's Avatar
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    Ell Cheffman woke up in an unlit room in an unnamed building in an undetermined part of an unpronouncable city after an untraceable journey. He felt unloved.

    The door was unlocked. A light switch clicked and the room was undarkened. An undressed man put a 7 Up in front of him. The Un-Cola.

    It was unopened.

    The man left.

    Ell was unfulfilled.

    As his eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness, he realized if he squinted just right and tilted his head just left and clenched his middle butt cheek just so, the seemingly random scratches on the wall resolved into...were those words? Did they say what he thought they said?

    They did.
    Alan

    "I watched approximately 45 seconds of 'Rock Of Ages'. It was like getting punched in the soul." - Abby Krizner

  14. #94
    Quote Originally Posted by alantig View Post
    As his eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness, he realized if he squinted just right and tilted his head just left and clenched his middle butt cheek just so, the seemingly random scratches on the wall resolved into...were those words?.
    Middle butt cheek? Who has more than two?

  15. #95
    Senior Member frankb56's Avatar
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    It's been an amazing journey to date, chipped nails and all....but Bello has no regrets unlike others in this voyage. He's willing to take on Rango's abominations as he has done many times before. Bello is often asked if that is his real hair. No, is his honest response, the top is a bush.

    The big plan is for the Hendrixonators to tour this year with NIN as their opening act. But don't ask for tickets if your passport is not up to date. The only tour dates are in Canterbury, UK.

    The tour hinges on Zephirus, he is so lazy and never wants to practice, thinks he's the best bassist in the world because he figured out note-for note a few Jaco riffs. That's why Zephirus is always on Bello's mind...."I'm going to hurt that boy if he doesn't shape up" he was heard saying as he passed the Primo Pizza stand at the Denver International Airport. You know his mind is occupied to pass the Primo Pizza stand without stopping....straight to the shuttle with his Korean Made Custom 24 in hand. He looks down and suddenly realizes, geez I have to upgrade my PRS and get one of those Custom 24 with a 10 Top.
    Frank Bello
    PRS CUSTOM 24
    http://frankbello56.blogspot.com/



  16. #96
    "I don't know any ventriloquists," Lena replied to Chefman in a cafe after they'd picked up his package at the post office, "but I once worked at a Punch and Judy show with the puppets in around 1610. I could buy a puppet."

    Chefman sipped his absinthe époque. "This woman must be really, really horny after 70 years," he thought to himself. The thought brought him slightly out of the haze induced by absinthe's "green fairy."

    "Forget about the puppet," said Chefman, "You're so attractive you don't need a thing. Let's go unwrap this parcel, and talk about how we can work together to save the world."

    "That's it? Just talk?" she replied, stroking his hand.

    "Hmmm. Do you know how to do The Antler Dance?" he inquired.

    "No. just The Macarena and the Mashed Potatoes," said Lena. "I once knew some Austrian folk dances..."

    "The Antler Dance is even better. We'll need to go to iTunes and download some Lithuanian Dainas played on the accordion."

    "What if they don't have any?"

    "Then we will definitely need to find an accordion, because I can play if you can dance."

    "You don't like to be with women, I mean, physically?"

    "I love women. But playing the accordion is better than sex."

    "No, it isn't," she said.

    "Oh, but it is. If you want an argument, that will be five pounds," he said.

    Lena didn't get the joke. She began to wonder if men simply lost interest after the age of 700.
    Last edited by LSchefman; 02-27-2013 at 01:03 PM.

  17. #97
    Senior Member sergiodeblanc's Avatar
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    "Sir! Put your hands behind your back and put the cigarette down! This is a non-smoking airport!" Had Sergio been able to wait another three minutes and actually left the airport before lighting up, he would have skipped the tour of the secret TSA detainment center buried beneath Denver International.

    "Sir, wait right here and we will get back to you in a few hours, we have a situation with another passenger we have to attend to." The TSA agent locked the electronic door behind him and took off the handcuffs that were ruining Sergio's "Livestrong" and "IBS Survivor" rubber bracelets. "Stay here! and don't move!"

    As the TSA agent walked down the hallway Sergio heard a familiar voice call out: "SQUIRT?!... I must complete my mission! The Boob-o-sklavian Revolution of 1684 will seem like child's play if you don't release my belt and man-garters!"

    "Ell! is that YOU?!" Sergio yelled out.

    "Who's there? Are you a puppeteer per chance? Lena!........ uh...oh... ummmm....... Applesauce?"

    Sergio got up and walked into the room where he presumed Ell was being detained in and just stood there... for like fourteen seconds longer than he should have before clearing his throat.

    "Ah What 'cha doin' Ell?" Sergio wasn't a prude, nor was he terribly shy being an author of erotic fiction, but he had never seen a man perform a body cavity search on a CPR dummy before.

    "Where are you hiding them Lena? Ell asked to the CPR dummy.

    "Ell have you lost your mind? Get off that dummy!"

    "What? Oh, hello Sergio, I'm sorry about that crazy bit but I thought for sure they would send Doc Oppraman to get me out. I pretend to go insane whenever my wife asks me to do something like mow the lawn, if there is one thing I have learned about women; just act crazier then them! Then they just leave you alone. Doc usually comes to get me, why are you here?"

    "Hanso" Sergio replied.

    "You must be looking for the one." Ell said under his breath, "Let's go."

    "What about the TSA agents?" Sergio asked.

    "Seriously?" said Ell, "I'm a Lawyer."

  18. #98
    The familiar absinthe "inebriation but with clarity" wore off, and Chefman was tired. He unwrapped the package and opened it. A beautiful PRS Starla was in the case; Lena gasped when he opened it.

    "It's amazing looking," she said. "I thought you were an accordionist?"

    "Oh, I am. But I also play the guitar. And this one was made special." He showed here how playing in B but thinking in Cb turned the instrument into a metal detector. "With this," he said, "We can go unnoticed anywhere, but still be prepared to dig." He went on to explain the mission and its purpose. Her eyes grew wider.

    "This is very exciting," she purred. "Can I stay with you here in your room?"

    "Did you find the Lithuanian Dainas on iTunes?"

    "No, just some old Mikas Patrauskas stuff with an orchestra, and a chamber ensemble."

    "Well, without an accordion...I mean, what's the point?"

    "They have "Yes We Have No Bananas" played by an accordion band."

    Chefman considered the possibility. "Let's hear it," he said.

    Lena hit the player and the first few bars came out of the laptop, then the band began to sing the familiar refrain. 'Yes, we have no bananas, we have no bananas today," only in Polka style. Lena suddenly broke into the Macarena. Chefman was mesmerized by her mastery of the dance. Every move was perfect. And she looked unbelievably hot for her apparent age. The music stopped. Chefman felt his heartbeat quicken. He was somewhat smitten.

    "I've gotta admit, Lena, you are something to behold."

    "And to hold," she said. coming toward him.

    "Not tonight," he said. "Tomorrow we search and we dig. We'll need our rest. Once we find what we need, and get the information in the right hands, we can worry about having some fun together."

    Lena left in a huff and went to her room. "Him, I could shoot," she said to herself.

    Chefman laid down to get some sleep, but the thought of Lena doing the Macarena to "Yes We Have No Bananas" inveigled on is mind. After a couple of hours, he decided to call her room. But there was no answer. "She must have found someone else," he thought, and went to sleep.

    Meantime, Lena was bound and gagged in the back of a Mercedes speeding toward Kiev.
    Last edited by LSchefman; 02-27-2013 at 09:23 PM.

  19. #99
    And once again we have two posts conflicting in time and space. LOL!

    How can Ell be two places at once when he's not anywhere at all? Stay tuned for Time Warp Central's explanation...

  20. #100
    Ell woke up, and decided to call Lena to get started with the search for the place to dig. There was no answer in her room, so he showered, dressed, and put on the pith helmet he'd worn for various digs and treks ever since the Boer Wars when he had served in the British Regulars. The pitch helmet still looked great, a few stains, but not worn out. It's hard to ruin a good pitch helmet.

    Then he went down to breakfast, but first stopped at the front desk of the hotel and rang the bell. A man in a manager's uniform appeared.

    "May I help you?"

    "Yes, I've been trying to reach Lena Berzanskis' room, but there seems to be no answer, Has she already come down to have breakfast?"

    "No, she was in fact kidnapped last night by a group of men and shoved into a Mercedes-Benz," said the manager.

    "What?" shouted Chefman. "This is terrible. Have you called the police?"

    "No," said the manager.

    "Well why the hell not," shouted Chefman. "A woman is kidnapped, dragged through the lobby of your hotel, shoved bodily into a car, and you don't call the police?"

    "No," said the manager. "Nice pith helmet, sir. We don't see many of those any more."

    "Why, thank you," said Chefman. "One always wants to be appropriately attired for a bit of the old exploration and hiking."

    "It goes very well with the gig bag, backpack, and 1980s Banana Republic look you have going," replied the manager. "Have you spent any time in the tropics at all?"

    "Yes, of course," came the reply. "I spent decades in the tropics serving with the...uh..well, serving in the military. And you?"

    "Oh yes, I saw action in various revolutions we fomented all over Africa and South America when we were part of the USSR. In fact I had many diseases."

    "Did you have...yellow fever?" asked Chefman.

    "Yes, of course."

    "Elephantiasis?"

    "Most definitely."

    "Yaws?"

    "Yes."

    "Tsetse flies?"

    "Um hummm."

    "Dengue fever?"

    "Certainly."

    "Malaria?"

    "Yes."

    "How about leprosy?"

    "That, too."

    "Quince?"

    "Yes," came the reply.

    "Ha! Gotcha!" said Chefman. "Quince, Cydonia oblonga, is a fruit! It is the sole member of the genus Cydonia in the family Rosaceae. It is native to rocky slopes and woodland margins in south west Asia, Turkey and Iran. It is NOT a disease! You, sir, are a fraud."

    He pounded his fist on the front desk. The manager looked frightened, but pulled out a gun.

    "Yes," he said. "And you, my pith-helmeted friend, are going with me now to Kiev to join your lady friend."

    "Wait a minute," Chefman replied. "I'm entitled to a buffet breakfast, and I will not leave here without one."

    "OK, then. We will have breakfast together. Remember that my gun will be on you the entire time."

    "Do you think they'll have eggs and sausages?" said Ell.

    "Yes, the sausages are excellent. Also take note of our delicious schnecken cakes. In fact, take a few extra for the journey. I can have the staff box some up for you."

    "That's more than kind of you," said Chefman. "I'm sure we'll enjoy the trip." Chefman made his way to the scrambled eggs and sausages steaming in their respective silver plated bins. He grabbed a plate, and loaded it up. But his mind was racing.

    He was already thinking ahead to how delicious the schnecken would be after breakfast.

    "Do you have any bagels," he asked.

    "No sir, I'm sorry, we're openly anti-Semitic here now. No bagels."

    "That's kind of a shame, isn't it?" Chefman asked.

    "There aren't many Zhids left around here anyway," the man added. "It's been hard to find a decent bagel in Minsk ever since 1941."

    Chefman didn't say anything. He'd been a medic with the Wehrmacht in 1941, and came through Minsk with Army Group South, until he managed another one of his disappearances later in the war, and wound up in Sweden. It had been the second army he'd had the misfortune of invading Russia with.
    Last edited by LSchefman; 02-27-2013 at 11:17 PM.

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