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Thread: The Drummer Joke thread.

  1. #1
    Senior Member Rango's Avatar
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    Cool The Drummer Joke thread.

    Okay I'm going back on the Throne. I think it calls for some levity...

    I'll start

    How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
    The knocking speeds up!


    Every Guitar player has'm! BRING IT! LOL!

  2. #2
    Senior Member sergiodeblanc's Avatar
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    I'm partial to the jokes with the punch line: "Don't we have machines to do that?".

  3. #3
    Angry Southern Gentleman Hopeful Sinner's Avatar
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    What do you call a guy that hangs around with musicians?

    - A drummer...


    For Sergio:
    How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    - None, they have machines that do that now too...
    Last edited by Hopeful Sinner; 04-11-2013 at 01:36 PM.

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    Junior Member ezkahuna's Avatar
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    Thank goodness for Google! :-)

    What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
    "Hey, how about we try one of my songs?"

    An Indian chief and a cavalry captain climb to the top of a tall hill and look out upon the entire Indian tribe. The captain says worriedly, "I don't like the sound of those drums." The chief says, "I know. It's not our regular drummer."
    What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
    Homeless.

    What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common?
    They both suck without Cream.

    How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better
    Neil Peart could've done it.

    An amateur drummer died and went to heaven. He was waiting outside the pearly gates when he heard the most incredible fast and furious drumming coming from within. Immediately he recognized the playing and rushed to ask St. Peter if that was Buddy Rich playing drums inside the gates. St. Peter responded: "No, that's God. He just thinks he's Buddy Rich."
    How do you get a drummer off of your porch?
    Pay him 10 bucks for the pizza.

    Why didn't the Little Drummer Boy get into heaven?
    Because he woke up the baby, for Christ's sake!

    What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
    Gifted.

    What does a drummer use for contraception?
    His personality.

    What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit?
    "Will the defendant please rise?"

    "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
    "Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."

    Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
    Me neither.

    Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
    So they can park in the handicapped spot.

    How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
    You know it's coming, but there's nothing you can do about it.

    What's the first thing a drummer says when he moves to LA?
    "Would you like fries with that, sir?

    What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
    One will mature and make money.

    Why do drummers have lots of kids?
    They're not too good at the Rhythm Method.

    What do you do if you accidentally run over a drummer?
    Back up.

    What did the drummer say to the band leader?
    "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"

    Deep in the African jungle, a safari was camped for the night. In the darkness, distant drums began a relentless throbbing that continued until dawn. The safari members were disturbed, but the guide reassured them: "Drums good. When drums stop, very bad." Every night the drumming continued, and every night the guide reiterated, "Drums good. When drums stop, VERY bad." This continues for several days until one morning the drumming suddenly stops and all the natives panic and run screaming. The man asks the guide what's the matter? The guide looking very frightened says: "When drums stop, VERY, VERY bad," he said. "Why is it bad?" asked a member of the safari. "Because when drums stop, bass solo begin!"
    __________________________________________
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    Senior Member RedGuitars's Avatar
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    Maggie: Why do you wear the same clothes all the time? Why won't you give me your phone number? Are you married? Seth: No.
    Maggie: Are you homeless?
    Seth: No.
    Maggie: Are you a drummer?
    ___________
    Mike Cantrell

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    Senior Member RedGuitars's Avatar
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    Above quotes from the movie City of Angels (Meg Ryan, Nicholas Cage).
    ___________
    Mike Cantrell

  7. #7
    Did you hear about the singer who locked his keys in the car? It took him over an hour to get the drummer out.
    One Life

  8. #8
    Junior Member ezkahuna's Avatar
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    I remember seeing an interview with Paul McCartney on PBS. Paul was asked if he thought Ringo was the best drummer in the world.
    He replied, "I don't even think Ringo is the best drummer in the band!"
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  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by ezkahuna View Post
    I remember seeing an interview with Paul McCartney on PBS. Paul was asked if he thought Ringo was the best drummer in the world.
    He replied, "I don't even think Ringo is the best drummer in the band!"
    Oooh, that's mean, funny but mean.
    Pete Best would be turning in his grave ... if he's dead

    Some more ...

    A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music
    store and says to the owner, “I’d like to look at the accordions, please.” The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says “All our accordions are
    over there.” After browsing, the drummer says, “I think I’d like the big red one in the corner.” The store owner looks at him and says, “You’re a
    drummer, aren’t you?” The drummer, crestfallen, says, “How did you know?” The store owner says, “That `big red accordion’ is the radiator.”

    A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great
    kisser?” “Nah,” the first girl replied. “That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all.” The next night she went out with a tuba player, and
    when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?” “Ugh!” the first girl exclaimed. “Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of
    meat; oh, it was just gross!” The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his
    kissing?” “Well,” the first girl replied, “his kissing was just so-so; but he kept trying to stick his hand up my ass!”

    Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?
    A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"

    Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
    A: Lipstick.

    Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
    A: Drummers!

    Q: How many union roadies does it take to plug in an amp?
    A: Eleven. You got a problem with that?

    Q: Why are set breaks limited to 20 minutes?
    A: So the band doesn't have to re-train the drummer!

    Q: If you were lost in the woods - who would you ask directions from:
    An out-of-tune bass player, an in-tune bass player, or Santa Claus?
    A: An out-of-tune bass player! The other two indicate you were hallucinating.

    Q: Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
    A: Because it can keep good time and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

    Q: Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
    A: Me either.

    Why are bar band agent’s hearts so coveted for transplants?
    They’ve had so little use.

    A musician calls his agent’s office to talk to his band’s agent. “I’m
    sorry, he’s dead,” comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times,
    always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks
    him why he keeps calling. “I just like to hear you say it.”

    What’s the difference between a lead guitar player and the rear end of a horse?
    I don’t know either.

    How to guitar players traditionally greet each other?
    “Hi. I’m better than you.”

    How do you know when a female lead singer is at your door?
    The doorbell shrieks!

    Why can’t a gorilla be a rock drummer?
    He’s too sensitive.

    What is the dynamic range of an electric guitar?
    On or off.

    How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
    Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink ’till the room spins.

    These two sound men walk past a bar… Well, it could happen! (oh wait, maybe not, nevermind)


    You’re too old to play gigs when…..
    1.It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than for your amp.
    2.Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf.
    3.All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m.
    4.All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.
    5.You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your play list.
    6.Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.
    7.You don’t know (or care) who any of the new bands are.
    8.You need your glasses to see the amp settings.
    9.You’ve thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
    10.You feel like hell before the gig even starts.
    11.The waitress is your daughter.
    12.You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.
    13.Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
    14.You find your drink tokens from last month’s gig in your guitar case.
    15.You refuse to play without earplugs.
    16.You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30.
    17.You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.
    18.Your gig stool has a back.
    19.You’re related to at least one member in the band.
    20.You don’t let any one sit in.
    21.You need a nap before the gig.
    22.After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
    23.During the breaks, you now go to the van to lay down.
    24.You prefer a music stand with a light.
    25.You don’t recover from a Saturday night gig until Tuesday afternoon.
    26.You hope the host’s speech lasts forever…..
    27.You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or cool factor.
    28.Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the bar ’cause they’re younger than your daughter.
    29.You can remember seven different club names for the same location …
    30.You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days and could physically do it
    31.Your set list is dance able.
    32.You think “homey” means cozy and warm
    33.You have to look over your glasses to check your PA connections.
    34.You’re playing the same venue in three months and you ask the club owner if you can leave your amp!
    35.Most of the band members are a lot younger than you.
    36.Your son is waiting for the gig to end to drive you and your stuff home, then go back out and party…
    37.Your date couldn’t make it because she couldn’t find a sitter for the grandkids…
    38.In consideration of your age, the audience requests some British invasion.
    39.On all out of town gigs you draw straws to see who the driver will be coming home.
    40.You start listing your truss as a “business expense”.
    41.You forget to take your Flowmax so all sets that night are only 15 minutes long.
    42.When you get a “Cease and Desist” letter from the Spandex co.
    43.When you play 2 nights in a row, and the next day your body aches like you played in the Super Bowl!
    44.Or, you play a Wednesday night gig and call into work sick on Thursday and Friday..
    45.When the only “Stones” you care about are in your gallbladder or kidney.
    46.You have to charge extra money if there are any steps to climb.
    47.Your hearing has deteriorated so badly that you actually ask the guitar player to “turn himself up.
    48.You call out the next song only to have someone remind you played it 10 minutes earlier.
    49.Your drugs are keeping you alive rather than killing you.
    50.You worry more about breaking a hip than being hip.
    51.Musicians half your age are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or have appeared on postage stamps.
    52.The only white powder to be found amongst the band members is foot talc.

    Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and
    they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on
    earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The
    second musician says “I was a jazz musician…kill me now

    Q: How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune?
    A: Evidently all of them.

    Q: How does a guitar player show he’s planning for the future?
    A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

    Q: How do you get two lead guitarists to play in perfect unison?
    A: Shoot one.

    Q: What do you call a successful guitarist?
    A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.

    Q: What do you call in “in-tune electric guitar?”
    A: An oxymoron.

    Mommy, Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!”
    “Now Johnny, you can’t do both!”

    Q: Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
    A: Neither have I.

    Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None…they just steal someone else’s light.

    Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one– but he’ll go though a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

    Q: In the 22nd Century, how many guitarists will it take to change a light source?
    A: Five – One to do it and 4 to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were

    Q: How many Electric Guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Five. One to change it and four to discuss how Eric Clapton would have done it.

    Q: How does a lead guitarist change a light bulb?
    A: He holds it and the world revolves around him.

    Q: How long does it take to tune a 12-string guitar?
    A: Nobody knows.

    Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
    A: A guitar player with a business card.

    Q: How many blues guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Four, one to change the bulb and the others to sing about how much better the old one was!

    Q: What do you say to a jazz guitarist at work?
    A: Big Mac and large fries please!

    Q: What’s the definition of an optimist?
    A: A guitarist with a mortgage.

    Q : What is a gentleman?
    A: A guitarist who can play fusion but doesn’t.

    Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
    A: A music critic.

    Q: Why did the guitar player get angry with the singer?
    A: The singer turned a string and wouldn’t say which one.

    Q: What did the guitarist do when told to turn his amplifier on?
    A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

    Q: How do you make a guitarist’s eyes light up?
    A: Shine a flashlight in his ear.

    Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like an Electric Guitar?
    A: Add vibrato.
    Last edited by WishICouldPlay; 04-11-2013 at 10:42 PM.

  10. #10
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    What's the difference between a frog driving down the road and a guitar player driving down the road?
    The frog might be on his way to a gig.

    An old road-dog guitar player dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate and says, "Man, we're glad you're here! Come in--let me show you around. Over here is the heavenly rehearsal studio. Any kind of equipment you could ever want--PA, amps, you name it--available any time you want. Over there is the heavenly concert venue. Perfect acoustics--any note played in there can be heard all over the known universe, plus some that you don't know about. And down there on the stage--there's Duke Ellington on piano, J. S. Bach on organ, Jaco Pastorius on bass, Jimi Hendrix on rhythm guitar, and Keith Moon on drums. The horn section is Louis Armstrong, Charlie Parker, John Coltrane and Gerry Mulligan, and the backup vocalists are Janis Joplin, Dusty Springfield and Ella Fitzgerald. They're all waiting for you--we're counting on you to put on a show like the universe has never seen." Wow!" says the guitar player. "That's all very flattering--but I was just an old road guy in club bands--why me?" "Well," says St. Peter, "You see, God's got this chick singer..."
    Last edited by jfine; 04-12-2013 at 04:11 AM.

  11. #11
    Senior Member RedGuitars's Avatar
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    Speaking of accordions...

    A young accordion player is meeting a friend for lunch, but is worried someone may steal his accordion, which is clearly visible in the back seat of his car.

    Sure enough, while they're eating they hear a window breaking and run out to his car only to see a man fleeing the seen.

    When they get to the car and look into the back seat, they see....










    a second accordion in the car...
    ___________
    Mike Cantrell

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